


One More Chance

by JMoonrise



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Family Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Light Angst, New Years, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-09-29 10:56:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17202191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/JMoonrise
Summary: Gifts don't always come in packages.





	1. Chapter 1

The colors burned brightly as they flared into the night sky. They gave life to an otherwise invisible sky as the constant shining of the city’s lights hid the stars from view.

Each of the fireworks sped into the air, bursting and searing their vibrant color into the mind and eyes of every person watching the display. They created their own unique patterns, something that would never exist again.

In the background, I heard my colleagues cheer loudly as they embraced the new year. Across the Thames at the Eye, more people celebrated another year once again gone. I turned away from the sight, not wanting to bother with it any longer.

I made my way back to my table to collect my coat. I was quite tired and wanted to return to my hotel room. “Leaving already?”

My foot caught a leg chair and I tumbled to the floor. My head lifted furiously as I glared at Sam Davies. “Yes,” I growled, pushing myself off the ground and ignoring his proffered hand.

“We were going to have a toast,” he shifted slightly under my piercing gaze. I had perfected the art of making those around me feel intimidated. It was useful in my profession as an underhanded tactic. My firm certainly valued me and were close to offering me a partnership for my continued my success. “It’s been a huge year at Potter and sons, and everyone just wants to have some fun before we have to get back to work.”

“Yes, well I have a flight to catch tomorrow and must get to sleep. Now if you’ll excuse me.” I brushed past him and snatched my black wool Burberry coat off the chair.

I felt the eyes of my fellow colleagues as I exited the restaurant, but I disregarded them. Most of them were content where they were in the firm and held no ambition to further their positions. They were focused on getting married and starting families. I had given up any dreams of doing so myself. It wasn’t in the cards for me, not since her.

As I began the trek back to my hotel, my eyes found themselves darting back to that blazing glory in the sky. It was magnificent. As a child, I had always found fireworks to be amazing and beautiful.

“Good evening sir,” the doorman greeted as I entered the lavish hotel. I only chose the best after all. “Enjoyed your evening?”

“Aye,” I grumbled. My phone buzzed providing me an excuse not to say anything more to him. I pulled it out to check my messages, calls, and emails. My assistant emailed me earlier in the evening to remind me of my schedule after the holidays.

There were some texts from friends and my sister wishing me a happy new year. I knew my sister was disappointed I had spent another Hogmanay away from the family, but it was hard to ignore the ache in my gut every time I saw her with her children. She was happy, healthy, and married. She measured her success in how her family thrived and they were certainly thriving. She had three children and had over shared they were trying for another.

I loved my sister and wanted nothing but the best for her. However, it was too hard sometimes to sit there and pretend as if I belonged.

“Have a good night Mr. Fraser, things will turn around for you in the new year.”

My eyes rolled so hard, I nearly had a headache from the force. “Good night,” I told him as I walked away to the lift.

As I scrolled through my emails, I stopped at an angry message from a fellow counselor who was pissed at me for besting them in court. I smiled triumphantly as I recalled their tired argument. My clients purchased tenement buildings and surrounding properties in London with the intention to remodel the buildings into luxury flats and rent out the other spaces to bring in new businesses.

My colleague represented the shopkeepers and some of the current tenants as they tried to fight against my clients. Ultimately, he lost the case. He was still bitter about it three months later as my clients were preparing to institute their changes in 2019.

I felt my smile slip as I thought about her and how she would disapprove of the man I had become. I shook my head; she wasn’t here any longer. I made my decisions and she hers. I couldn’t fathom as to why after all this time I was still thinking about her. It was the damn new start and all of the other bullshit associated with the night that was causing me to feel uneasy. I normally kept her locked up tight in the recesses of my brain.

As the lift opened, I decided to change directions and head towards the bar. While I didn’t necessarily want to be surrounded by people, the solitariness of my suite daunted me. I wasn’t entirely ready to go to sleep, contrary to what I told Sam. “Nosy fucker,” I muttered.

“Excuse me?”

I glanced up to discover an elderly man sitting at the bar. My cheeks flushed as I hurried to a seat as far from him. Somehow though he decided he wanted to chat me up. “So what’s a nice looking lad such as yerself doin’ alone on this night?”

He was a kinsmen. Over the years, my accent had toned down. It wasn’t nearly as strong here as opposed to home. Jenny accused me of being ashamed of my heritage, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It was often hard living here and not adapting.

“Am not much for company.” I hoped he caught my hint.

I decided to call him George in my head. “Can ah get some whiskey for my friend here?”

“How did ye ken I liked whiskey?”

“Yer a Scot.” I nodded and shrugged. It was still strange he assumed I liked whiskey. Lots of people who weren’t from Scotland did. “Besides ye looked as if ye could use something strong.”

I took a swig from my glass within seconds of the bartender pouring it.

“Rough year?”

“More like ten years.”

“Ah is it a lassie? Ah can usually tell and ye look as if some lass has done ye over well.”

I tossed back the rest of my drink and ordered a second one. “It’s nae a lass.” I lied. I wasn’t about to pour my bleeding heart out to some stranger. For all I knew, he got his jollies from listening to poor men such as myself crying about the women we let go.

He patted my back sympathetically. “What’s her name?”

Apparently he wasn’t going to drop the topic. I should’ve suspected this sort of tenaciousness from the moment he came over to sit beside me. I wasn’t always the best at reading the intentions of others. She was. I sighed because as much as I tried to escape her, the more she dogged all of my thoughts.

“Claire,” I huffed out as I took another drink. “Her name is Claire.” The whiskey was definitely helping in loosening me up.

He smiled and it was one of those ‘I was right’ ones where they seemed far too pleased with themselves. I swore the man appeared as if he might start clapping.

“When was the last time ye saw her?”

Well that was easy. “When we broke up.”

He frowned at me as his eyes narrowed slightly. He looked at me as if I were an idiot. “No ye eejit, I dinna mean the event but the years.”

I wasn’t accustomed to anyone calling me stupid. It had certainly been some years. I believed the last person was Jenny when I told her I was done with dating and love. “Ten years, I havena seen her since she went off to medical school in America.” The word left a bitter taste on my tongue. I swirled my drink and went to take another sip when he stopped me.

“Stop wit the drink. Ye will end in an early grave.” His face was dead serious, and I halted and considered his words. Normally nothing would’ve stopped me from taking the desired drink, but this man was kind enough. “Why did ye break up?”

“She wanted to go to Harvard Medical School and weel I had been offered a spot at a law school. We decided it was better to end it as neither of us were willing to compromise. It would’ve been too difficult to maintain a relationship with our studies, and we came to a mutual agreement.”

It was easier to do it then. We had only dated two years and while there were strong feelings involved, we each had our own goals and dreams.

“Do ye ken where she is now?”

I shrugged. We fell out of contact within a year. She was meeting new people and experiencing all sorts of things I couldn’t relate to. We started off texting and emailing regularly, which then turned to fairly often, then dissolved to maybe once a month, and then there was nothing.

Before she had left, we broached the topic of our relationship and she asked directly in that way of hers questions I wasn’t prepared to answer at the time and regretted not having anything to respond with.

 _Where are we going? Do you see us getting married? Do you want me to accept the offer or I could stay and find a school here?_ She begged with those huge brown eyes of hers. I saw she was prepared to decline Harvard, but I chickened out. I didn’t know if I was ready for such a serious commitment and we fell apart.

I hadn’t given her what she wanted, and she accepted the offer to Harvard. It was at least a solid plan; one that involved stability. I tried to tell myself in the beginning it would be easy to forget her. The problem was she wasn’t forgettable. The more I forced myself not to miss her, the more I did. I wondered all the time what she was doing and if she missed me. I thought about messaging her and telling her I was a fool in those initial weeks, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. Nothing changed. We were still at an impasse. She was preparing to attend Harvard. She couldn’t give that up. I thought better of my weakness and ultimately decided not to look back, and only look towards my future and goals.

I tried one night stands and found them empty. I was ashamed at how I used another woman’s body to try and move on. Dating held no appeal for me as I couldn’t connect to another woman, the way I had with her. The women were more than interested, but I found it meaningless and trite.

Instead I used all of my extra time to focus on school then later my job. It was all I had to give my life any meaning. It was hard sometimes not to think about what I had let go. It wasn’t every day a woman like her came into one’s life.

“No,” I admitted, my face falling at the realization.

Claire was the type of woman to not let any man hold her back. I imagined her a surgeon with a husband and a bairn or two. She was probably happy somewhere and had forgotten all about me.

I was a relic of her past.

His grey eyes appraised my appearance, and I felt myself coming up short. It wasn’t a good feeling either. “Do ye ever regret the choices ye made when ye were young and foolish?”

I opened my mouth to disagree with his notion I was foolish when he stopped me. “Most young people are foolish.”

I deflated. “Well who doesna at some point have regrets?” My shoulders sagged. The bar was supposed to make me feel better, but instead I was in a worse mindset.

“If there was something ye could change, what would it be?”

I stopped and considered what he was asking. I wanted to vehemently tell him to mind his own damn business, but he had been nothing but kind to me. It was a combination of things that made me tell him “Losing Claire.” I cursed the alcohol and my own self-pity. It was perhaps also the night as well. Hogmanay was a time to rejoice, but there wasn’t much in my life.

“Ahh, yes well I’m sorry about all of that Jamie.” He set money on the bar as he gathered his coat. “Sometimes we all deserve a second chance.”

I scrunched my face in confusion at his redirect. “What the hell are ye talking about?” He was just asking me what my biggest regret was and then went on about second chances. What did one have to do with the other?

“If ye need me, just ring the bell. Ye get a little number of rings so try nae to waste them in one go. That’s happened before and led to some confusion.”

My head nodded, but I was prepared to call about this man. He was crazy.

“Good luck to ye, my young friend.”

It took me a second to realize he used my name. I scratched my head, trying to recall when I shared it with him. I finished the rest of my glass.

“Another one?” The bartender asked.

I considered the offer, but decided against it. It was time I headed to bed. I was developing a slight headache, and sleep was the only way to keep me from thinking about her, mostly.

Before I exited the bar, the bartender stopped me. “You forgot your bell.”

I had no choice but to take jingling bell. I didn’t know what the poor, confused man expected me to do with it.

There was a slightly unevenness in my gait as I stumbled out of the lift, but I managed to unlock the door to my suite on my own. My fingers fumbled as I tried to get out of my shirt. Eventually I gave up and flopped onto my bed where I was soon asleep.

 

 

 


	2. It's Just a Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I really loved the response to the first chapter. Thank you!
> 
> To Cristina and Anne, you guys are the best. There are no words to describe how fantastic and encouraging you are.

I knew I was dreaming. It was simply impossible otherwise.

I was in bed, but I wasn’t alone. Claire was there too. However it wasn’t just her presence that made the situation unrealistic, it was what she was doing that caused me to realize it was a mere dream. A lovely one, but it was all in my head.

Claire was positioned with her mouth hovering right over my erection. I surprised by how aroused I was at the sight. Her curly hair was a dark curtain hiding most of her face from view, but I knew those eyes. There was only one person who could pull of such a sultry and mischievous look simultaneously.

Her tongue darted achingly slow out of her mouth, and I nearly thrust myself off the mattress at the anticipation. I swore I heard a chuckle. Then as if she were experimenting, she took a quick swipe at my tender flesh. “Oh Dhia!” I groaned at the removal of her hot tongue. I knew I didn’t want to wake up. It had been so long.

“Shh… remember we can’t be too loud,” she whispered as she swallowed me whole.

My hands clutched at the sheets as my teeth clamped down on my bottom lip. It was agony and bliss all at once as she went to work.

Her head bobbed as her tongue swirled around the tip and her cheeks hollowed to suction. My hips bucked and I felt myself hit the back of her throat. It almost seemed real.

She pulled away as she coughed and took a second to catch her breath. Her hand took over where her mouth left off as she increased the pace of her strokes from root to tip. Her saliva had made it easier for her hand to slide up and down. I couldn’t understand how I had let her go. I couldn’t recall the last time I had relations with a woman and I had to frequently perform the task myself. It was usually my hand and my imagination stimulating me these days.

Her hand was soft like silk as she confidently handled me. I was close. I could feel it.

She regularly changed the pressure of her hand and her strokes varied between long and short; she worked me with the familiarity of a skilled lover. Then she did the unexpected as her mouth sank back down on me, her teeth scraped the already sensitive skin until she was all the way down. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of her.

I had forgotten how amazing she was at this. It baffled me how someone as small as she could manage to fit me. Her hand was situated under her lips as she increased the pace of her strokes. Holy shit, I was going to explode. It was all too much. This would be embarrassing when I awoke as I hadn’t had a wet dream since I was fourteen.

Within seconds I erupted into her mouth and she swallowed all of it. Slowly, she removed her mouth from around me, and then wiped a wayward drop from the side of her mouth. She stared at it for a second before sinking the tip of her finger into her mouth. I saw the pink of her tongue as it swirled. If I hadn’t just cum, I would be ready to go again. It saddened me even in my dreams, I was unable to rise quickly after an orgasm.

I blinked as she crawled up next to me and settled with her body draped across mine and her head on my chest. “I’m sorry we haven’t done a lot of that recently.” Her voice was apologetic and sympathetic.

“That’s okay,” I crinkled my brow as I was unsure to her meaning. Shouldn’t I be waking up now? The stickiness in my boxers was surely causing me discomfort. I reached an arm over her convincingly warm body to pinch my arm. “Ouch,” I jerked slightly, displacing Claire in the process.

Her head popped up and she frowned at me. “Jamie? Is everything okay, love?”

“No fucking is nae,” I growled, taking my anger out on her. “What the fuck is going on? Where am ah?” I was beginning to understand something else was happening. This was no dream. Everything felt a little too real.

She sat up. Her hand cupped my face as the other felt my forehead. Concern marred her brow and I saw the worry in her dark eyes. “Are you alright? Do you feel sick?”

I pushed her hand away. “Did ye drug me or something? Did ye ken that man in the bar?” I hurled accusations at her as I was starting to piece together the previous evening.

She lurched away from me, and I was somewhat saddened by the distance between us. I had spent the last ten years craving time with her, yet I couldn’t understand how I ended up here.

My eyes wandered around my surroundings. I was in an unfamiliar bedroom. It was actually quite huge. The walls were painted a soft blue color that reminded of the ocean in summer. There were two dark wooded dressers and a vanity situated between the two. I paused as my eyes caught sight of a picture on the nightstand.

It simply wasn’t possible. It was a photograph of Claire and myself at a wedding, well more specifically ours. I wore a tuxedo and she was in a fancy white dress. I rubbed my eyes again to ascertain I was seeing it correctly.

“Are ye mad? Is this how ye have fun?”

Her face exploded into several different expressions all at once, and it was difficult to determine which was which as they flitted across her face, settling on distress for me apparently.

“Jamie? I don’t understand what’s wrong? Did you not enjoy it?” There was a vulnerability on her face I hadn’t seen since the first time we had sex.

It boggled the mind as to why she would behave as if she cared about me. Hadn’t she moved on? We went our separate ways, and it was her who stopped responding to me. It was clear to me that I didn’t rank high on her list of priorities.

I shook my head. I tried to recall the last thing I remembered. I left the party to return to my hotel, but I was still far too wired to settle for bed. I visited the bar where I met a strange old man who kept mentioning second chances. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. “Did ye meet a strange old man last night?”

“No, you know I was here last night as were you.” I felt her eyes boring into me, but ignored it. Her tone wasn’t as warm as when we started, and I sensed she was cross. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Is there another woman?”

It was unbelievable the conclusions this woman jumped to. When the hell would I have time to find a woman? I had earning partnership to worry about and women were the least of my concerns these days.

I had clearly suffered from some sort of head injury, perhaps I was in a coma. It could explain why I was unable to wake from this dream. “Yes, must’ve happened when ah fell onto my bed.”

“What are you talking about?” Her forehead wrinkled. “Jamie did you hit your head last night?”

“Must have, I’m clearly hallucinating.” She frowned and tried to crawl towards me; I pushed her away and scrambled out of bed.

I was throwing on jeans and a shirt without thought as I quickly made haste to get out of wherever I was. I made my way down a hallway where more pictures littered the walls of Claire and myself. There were also children in some of these pictures which wasn’t possible.

“Da?” A girl with dark eyes and dark hair popped her head over the sofa.

Another head darted up, except this one was adorned with ginger hair. She had lighter eyes than her sister, and I momentarily halted. “Daddy, what are ye doin?” She broke into fits of child-like laughter as her eyes took in my appearance. “Ye ken it snowed?”

“Eh yes…” who were these children? They kept calling me dad, but I knew for a fact I had no bairns.

“Sae why are ye nae wearing a coat?” The older one asked. “Ye always say ye’ll freeze yer bollocks off.”

Her sister shushed her. “Mama doesna like us using that word.”

“She uses it.”

I used the distraction of their argument to get out of there. I found some boots by the door and quickly slid my feet inside without lacing them properly. I didn’t care. All I needed was to get out of there before something else happened. I was obviously having one hell of a dream or nightmare.

My feet stopped upon the sight of the mounds of snow. Where the hell was I? There wasn’t any snow in London. Behind me the door opened and slammed shut, and I winced already knowing who was behind me.

“What the hell is wrong with you this morning?” I didn’t turn. I rubbed my eyes again and begged myself to wake up. “You’ve been a real arsehole and I don’t know why. I understand it’s been a while since we were physically intimate, but I thought you understood.”

What was happening? Why wasn’t any of this fading? My skull throbbed almost painfully, and I figured it was the remnants of the alcohol I had last night.

I tugged at my hair, almost to the point of causing physical pain. I whirled on her and she took a hesitant step back from whatever it was she saw on my face. “What is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I saw the crestfallen expression on her face, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Ye’re not real. None of this is real. If it is then ye’re some sort of psycho who’s convinced yer children am their father.”

Her mouth fell open and her nostrils flared angrily as she set her hands on her hips. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” She spat at me. “They’re my children now?” I saw how tightly her teeth were clenched. “If this isn’t real enough for you, you can go Jamie. No one’s stopping you. You’ve left me before so it’ll be easy for you to do so again. If this isn’t real enough for you and you no longer want to be here then go.” She seemed to deflate on the last word. Her chest heaved with the weight of her emotion as she her face returned to its’ original color. 

“Ah dinna-“

She held up a hand and turned around. The silence of the door closing hurt more than her slamming it.

There was a bulge in my pocket. I hadn’t recalled it being there when I threw on my jeans. I pulled out the little bronze bell. What had the old man said? Ring it and he would come.

“Why nae?” It wasn’t as if anything else in this dream made sense. I rang the bell. It had a sweet chime, but nothing miraculous occurred. “I should’ve known.”

“Should’ve kent what Jamie?”

I swiveled around to discover the old man from last night. He wore a huge grin and his eyes sparkled with merriment. “Let’s have a talk.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: What is your favorite beverage?  
> Mine is mostly water, but on occasion I will sneak a coke.


	3. Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'George' has a talk with Jamie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers!! I've decided upon a posting schedule. I will post for this story on Sunday and Wednesday. For Rivers Outtakes I will post on Fridays. Just remember you are welcome to send me requests as well.

“Come on lad, let’s go for a walk.” I glanced from him to the door that hid Claire from view.

Which one was the better option? I could walk with this strange who had seemingly led me down some sort of rabbit hole or take my chances with an angry Claire. I was a coward.

There was a path behind the house, leading to a small thicket of trees. If I strained my ears, I could hear the rushing of water somewhere close as well. Where exactly was I? It reminded me of Scotland, but I hadn’t resided in my home country since I left for university. “Where exactly am I?” It was making me far too anxious not to know my own location.

“Why Jamie, ye dinna recognize yer own home country?”

I glanced around to see rolling hills in the distance. There were covered in snow at the moment. I closed my eyes and I could picture it in my mind’s eye. I saw the green in a way only Scotland could achieve.

My location didn’t help settle the confusion. It didn’t explain how I could fall asleep in my London hotel room and wake up in some Scottish villa with a woman I hadn’t seen in a decade and two kids I definitely didn’t remember. There was something I was missing, and from the way ‘George’ was staring at me, he knew what it was.

He began to walk and I dutifully hurried after him as I needed to understand what was happening to me. I frowned as he ascended a hill as I hadn’t intended on doing so. ‘George’ didn’t stop or wait for me, so I rushed up the hill, nearly face planting in the snow. He stopped about halfway up and turned to face the snow covered valley. There were patches of brown through-out the glen as it wasn’t flat land.

I mimicked his actions and my breath caught in my throat at the beauty before me. It had been such a long time since I had seen something so natural. I was constantly in the city with rarely anytime available to visit my ancestral homeland . There simply weren’t views of this magnitude in London.

In the distance was a river, although without knowing my specific location I was unable to determine which one it was. At a glance, it appeared to be a dark blue as it wound its’ way through the land. On the other side of the river was a thin lining of trees, their branches adorned in white. The mountains jutted from the earth in the distance. They stood proud and majestic and like everything were covered in a mound of white. The sky was a brilliant shade of light blue with puffy white clouds floating along. The entire scene was something out of a painting. I wished I had my sketch pad to try and recreate it.

“What am ah doing here?” I wanted to get to business. “How did ah get to Scotland?”

‘George’ was silent as he continued to stare out at the landscape. “Jamie, do ye ken what’s in that house?” He pointed to the house from which I fled.

I shook my head.

“In there is a chance for ye to have something more precious than anything.” I was silent, unsure what to say, if anything. “Some people dinna realize how lucky they are in life. They chase after the wrong things and wonder on their death beds how differently their lives could’ve turned out if they had pursued other opportunities.”

My eyes squeezed shut as my conversation from the previous night came back to me. We discussed what I wanted. I told him Claire. “This isna how it works.” I was positive of that. “Wishes dinna just come true.”

“Ye’re right. However, ye’ve become a special case. Ye started on one path and over time have managed to get yerself on another one entirely. Ye’ve got some things to learn Jamie Fraser and not too much time to figure them out.”

I huffed in annoyance at yet another person telling me I was on the incorrect path. It was my life. I turned to tell him just as much only to discover he had disappeared. “What the…?”

My irritation grew and I wasn’t sure how long I stayed out there. I wasn’t ready to head back to Claire. I still didn’t have the answers I wanted to explain what was happening with me, and ‘George’ was only happy to leave me to my bewilderment. What was I supposed to do with the little information he provided? Learn? Learn what?

Was I supposed to learn how I got here? Learn where I was? Was this some kind of cosmic joke? Maybe I was actually dead, and this was limbo. I shook my head instantly to negate that thought as everything was far too real so far. I definitely needed air to breathe.

I sighed, knowing my chances of figuring everything out hinged on me returning to the house with Claire and the little girls. I didn’t know much about little girls. I saw my nieces perhaps twice a year and spent little time with them. What did they like? Dolls, tea parties, I was out of practice as I couldn’t recall what it was Jenny did when we were kids. I usually stayed far away when we were inside. I had my older brother Willie anyway. He was more fun to play with and a lot less serious than our sister.

I trudged down the hillside, purposely slowing my steps to prolong my time away. I didn’t know what sort of reception I would receive upon re-entry. If there was anything I did remember about my time with Claire, it was the fiery temper she possessed. I told her she could be an honorary Scot with it. She was about as hot headed as myself and it led to some passionate altercations between the two of us.

I paused a few feet from the fence. I saw a space set aside for a garden. Vaguely in the deep recesses of my mind, I recalled Claire having an affinity for gardening. She loved the idea of alternative medicine, but respected the necessity of surgeons.

My eyes took in the villa. It was a respectable size and appeared from the outside to have at least a few bedrooms. It was two stories and there was an attached garage for two cars. The shingled roof also had sky lights, which I remember Claire loving. She adored natural light.

My feet began to move of their own accord towards the house. I figured I was unable to leave unless I learned whatever it was ‘George’ thought I needed.

The sound of cartoons hit my ears upon entering the house. The two girls were still situated on the sofa, although their tiny heads were no longer visible. I wasn’t familiar with children’s programming. “Daddy?”

The little red head poked her head up. She had rosy, round cheeks and appeared almost cherubic. Her hair was cut into a bob that curled around those cheeks of hers. “Yes?”

She frowned at me. “Ye nae calling me mo nighean ruaidh.” Well it made sense why this version would call her red headed girl, but it didn’t fill in the blank of her name or her sister’s.

“Da,” her sister slid off the couch and came around the sofa. “Why did ye make mama cry? I heard yer stramash outside. Ye were bein’ mean.”

I swallowed as my throat tightened with this little girl staring up at me with her dark eyes. I realized they weren’t exactly like Claire’s. There were flecks of green in them, giving them a life of their own. They were serious for one so young.

“Do ye wanna leave?” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Ah heard mama yelling.”

Something inside of me stirred, and I wanted to take the girl into my arms. I would do anything to prevent her from crying. I didn’t want to be some monster who made wee lasses cry.

I knelt in front of her and took her wee hands into my own. They were so small but warm and smooth. There were cute freckles adorning her little nose and her cheeks. Her hair curled just past her shoulders. “Please dinna cry mo aingeal,” I brushed at the stray tears that slipped from those sweet eyes of hers. “Yer mam and I had a disagreement. It’ll be fine.”

I didn’t know if it would, but it hurt me to see her disheartened. I barely comprehended what was happening, yet wherever I was, I was these lasses father. I couldn’t ruin this for the other Jamie. He didn’t deserve to have his life ruined because I was a coward. She threw her tiny arms around my neck and squeezed as if her life depended on it.

My arms wrapped around her small frame as I held her. My right hand came up to cup her head, and for a second I almost wanted this life. If things were different, I would want this life where I had Claire and we shared two beautiful children. Yet, I wasn’t him. I couldn’t be. My life wasn’t meant to be shared with them. I would wake up from this beautiful dream disappointed and alone. 

I pulled back from her and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. She reminded me of Claire. Her eyes held a wisdom beyond her years and she had the same sweet smile. Her cheeks were round like her sister’s. If I had to guess her age, I would say she was around five or six. Her sister was maybe one or two years younger. This version of myself and Claire were obviously quite busy.

“Why don’t you and yer sister continue watching yer show?” I suggested as I reached up to cup her sister’s face. It was so warm and soft.

They nodded their heads. “Okay da.”

“Ah’ll go talk to yer mam.”

I cleared my throat as anxiety crept down my spine and invaded my entire system. I hadn’t had a proper conversation with Claire in years. I wasn’t sure how to talk to her without feeling some resentment about her leaving me behind in the past. At the very least, we were supposed to stay friends. I took a deep breath and headed up the stairs without taking in my surroundings.

The door to the bedroom was closed, and I figured I was more than likely persona non grate. However, I had to fix this. I deeply hurt her. It was written on her face as we had our screaming match out in the yard. She was about as confused as I was, only her confusion centered around a man who wasn’t here and who I knew I couldn’t be even if I tried. A man I envied.

I inhaled and then slowly released it through my mouth before knocking on the door.

I waited for a response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will probably be around 15-20 chapters. Don't quote me as I seriously underestimated myself on Rivers. 
> 
> Today's question: Do you wear glasses? The technical answer is yes. Although I mostly wear my contacts. I've got to get new glasses anyways as my dog chewed mine. I've worn glasses since I was 2 and my eyes have only gotten worse over the years. My eye doctor told I could almost be considered legally blind.


	4. Nothing Left To Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie tries to figure out more about his situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!! I'm glad I'm not the only non-seeing person. I want to thank my pre-readers for being amazing as usual.

Anxiety engulfed me as I waited for Claire to allow me entrance into the room. My mother at least raised me to respect the privacy of others even if it was your house. However, I wanted nothing more than to kick open the door and force her to talk to me. I didn’t understand anything that was happening to me and she was the only familiar face around. I knew I couldn’t explain to her my situation, but at the very least I could get some information on the current status of my life. I grew more apprehensive with each passing second.

A few more minutes passed and I was slightly worried about the lack of response from her. I pressed my ear to the door and strained to listen to what was happening inside when I heard it. It was barely audible, but it was a sniffle.

I took a huge step back from the door as I considered my options. I knew my mother would string me up by my ears if she saw my behavior. She would be appalled at how I allowed my temper to get the best of me and took it out on Claire as well. My mother warned me about handling my frustration privately.

I wondered if she and my dad retired to the coast here as well. They left the family estate to Jenny and Ian as I had no use for a family home. I knew enough to know I would end up single in the end. My brother Willie turned it down as well. He had two bairns, but he was living in Germany with his family. I was the only one who remained unwed and without children. I became accustomed to my solitary existence as a bachelor.

It wasn’t as if Willie and Jenny hadn’t tried to set me up with women in the past. I showed no interest in those women and it never went beyond a single date. I found reasons to decline a second date. They called me picky and called our mam whenever I rejected another woman. Our mother sighed and said it was ultimately my decision if I wanted to live a solitary existence.

I supposed this other me didn’t want that same life. This Jamie wanted a family and had created one with Claire. Not having Claire and the family we dreamt of was the single greatest regret of my life. I would never come out and say it as I believed regret to be particularly useless. I made my choices and lived with them.

This Jamie chose Claire. In many ways, he was already a better man than me. It was depressing to consider which of us had the better life. I didn’t know what his profession was, but if I had to assume, he wasn’t a top notch barrister. He clearly lacked ambition and style if his clothes were anything to go by.

It was perhaps unfair to judge him harshly as he was living within his means. It was just hard to understand what decisions he made that resulted in him living like this in comparison to me.

There was still nothing from Claire on the other side of the door, and I didn’t want to pressure her into talking with me given how our last ~~conversation~~  screaming match went. She was angry and rightfully so. She was just angry at the wrong person, or maybe the right person. It was all so confusing because I’m not really him and he isn’t me, yet here I was occupying his body. She was mad at him, not knowing that it’s really me she’s angry with.

I pulled at my hair, wondering what I should do. I couldn’t go back downstairs as my encounters with the girls made me more than uncomfortable. I was awkward with children at best, and I always heard how perceptive children were. They would know something was off, the more time I spent with them. The oldest one was somewhat suspicious of me already by the way she warily regarded me.

I decided to explore the upstairs region of the house. It wasn’t a large hallway. There were six doors total and one of them was probably a bathroom.

The door I was standing in front of, anxiously bouncing from one foot to the other was Highland Jamie’s room with his apparent wife. At least two of these rooms belonged to the girls situated on the sofa downstairs, blissfully unaware that anything was seriously wrong in their world. If I wanted to figure out their names, I was going to have to do some investigating.

It wasn’t too difficult to determine which rooms were theirs. There was a pink letter on two doors. One was an M and the other across the hall was an L. I decided to open the one with M first.

The room was a light blue color and on the wall across from a massive bed was a mural of a unicorn. It was actually quite extravagant of a room for such a small kid.

It was a bit bigger than the room I had as a kid, but I had also realized the house was quite new when I stood outside. I wondered if they had the house built or bought it.

The bed was grey and something out of those princess movies Jenny watched. However, instead of pink sheets, she had blue and white. The quilt adorning the end of the bed was blue, while her duvet was white. There were even some cutesy, decorative type pillows as well with butterflies and birds.

In one corner, she had a matching armoire that I suspected was mounted to the wall. There was also a little side table with a silver picture frame. I couldn’t help my own curiosity and picked it up.

My breathing stopped for a second as I took in the image. It was me and the eldest girl. It appeared to be us the day she was born. I couldn’t comprehend the sheer size of her body in my arms. It seemed impossible given her current diminutive status that she was once tinier. I wasn’t too aware of how big children were supposed to be, but I could’ve sworn they were bigger than her. I knew babies were small, but she looked so fragile and tiny.Highland Jamie stared down at his daughter as if she were everything and he would do whatever it took to protect her.

I spotted a rucksack slumped against her bed. It was the Christmas holidays. There was a chance she hadn’t removed any graded schoolwork or projects sent home. At the very least, I would discover her name. I knelt to the ground and quickly unzipped the bag to find folders and a composition notebook. On the first folder was her name written in black, Mairead. It was a Scottish name. I liked the sound of it, Mairead Fraser.

There were several pictures lining the walls of her room documenting her growth. It hurt in a way I couldn’t explain to know I wasn’t a part of this. This was another man’s family.

It was time to leave this room and explore the other one. There were two of them and I still had no idea what the other little girl was called.

Entering the second bedroom, it was immediately apparent how different the two sisters were. While I wasn’t overly familiar with Disney, I knew enough about their Princesses from my sister. The younger one seemed to have an obsession with them.

The actual sheets on her bed were of the princesses. I didn’t know any of their names, but I recognized a few. She had a white quilt as well except it had stripes created by using different colored ribbons.

Her bed wasn’t nearly as large as her sister’s carriage bed. It was simple and elegant and most of all white. There was some more art on the wall, and while her sister had a mural of a unicorn, hers was a castle. She had a white armoire. Most of the furniture matched her sister’s piece for piece.

She did have a little lounge chair and on the floor in front of it was a floor puzzle. She had a book shelf as well with several popular picture books I recognized from my childhood and some unfamiliar titles.

I figured out her name as white letters on the wall spelled out Lillia. Underneath were pictures of her from each of her four years of life. Her hair had started as nothing more than peach colored fuzz, but seemed to have darkened with each passing year into the fiery bob she currently had.

There was one picture that caused me to pause. It was a picture of Lillia with my parents. It was clear to see where she inherited her looks as she and my mother shared a startling resemblance. I had seen it when I first saw her, but to see them side by side, it made me realize this was my daughter. It wasn’t as if Mairead wasn’t as well, but she had a lot of her mother in her. Although, something about her face reminded me of my sister Jenny.

I leaned over, pressing my palms into my thighs as I tried to compartmentalize all of this. It simply wasn’t possible, yet every time I took in my surroundings, I was somewhere unfamiliar. Worse was that it was unlike any dream I ever had. I could always wake myself in those, and I never felt pain in any form.

In this dream, there were three different types of pain I was feeling. There was the physical. Pinching myself was a full proof method to prove I was unconscious. However, in this realm or wherever, it had done nothing but cause a mild discomfort and leave a red mark on my skin.

Then there was the ache in my heart. So many years passed by me where I left Claire in the past. I tried my best to forget her existence or the love I held for her as it only increased my awareness of my loneliness. If I didn’t focus on her, I could ignore that my life was empty. I didn’t mind mostly, but there were moments where I saw colleagues with significant others or their children and thought about my decisions. Ultimately, they were my own and I had picked a path.

Lastly, there was the gut wrenching sadness that came with the realization that none of this was mine. I hadn’t earned it in the way the Jamie whose body I currently inhabited had. He had it all. I was envious of this version of myself for chasing after his dreams and making them come to fruition. He had obviously not let Claire go.

My knees collapsed and I fell onto the floor with a sob. How would I get back? I didn’t belong here.

I barely registered the door creaking, but I felt the soft touch of little hands. “Daddy?” Lillia’s sweet face was in front of my own. Her large blue eyes conveyed her confusion. “What’s wrong?” Her lower lip trembled slightly at seeing me.

“Nothing,” I hastily wiped away the evidence of my own tears. “It just comes as a shock to me how big ye’ve gotten.”

Her face scrunched adorably as she didn’t understand what that meant. “I dinna understand.”

“Ye will some day.”

“Why are ye in my room? Ah thought ye were going to see mummy. She’s crying too. Is that why ye’re crying?” While she looked like my family, her personality was definitely her mother’s.

I thought up a quick excuse. “Ah needed a moment before ah went to speak to yer mam.”

She nodded her head as she moved from out of view. I turned and watched as she pulled a basket from under her bed. She picked up two dolls and then went over to her dollhouse. “Ye wanna play wit me?”

“Am nae verra good.”

Her little brows furrowed. “Ye’re the best.”

But I wasn’t. I wasn’t her father. I hadn’t played with dolls since I was lad and Jenny forced me to play with her. “Eh maybe later Lili.”

I left the door cracked and prepared myself for a talk with Claire. I knew I would be unable to explain what was happening to me or my sudden transplanted personality, but I had to figure out something.

“Daddy, are ye alright?” Mairead stood in her doorway watching me. “Ye’ve been acting strange. Are ye sick?”

It occurred to me she was bright. Then again how could any child of Claire’s not be.

“Nae am not sick,” I muttered. “Just having a fucking nightmare.”

“Daddy.”

My eyes lowered at her tone and I saw as her chin began to quiver and her eyes filled with liquid tears. When would I learn to close my mouth?

I rushed to her the moment I saw her about to throw her head back to wail. I had at least seen enough crying tantrums to know how to react. “Shh… am sorry. I’m a little grumpy this morning.”

“Mummy called ye an arsehole.” I noticed there was a lisp in her voice. “What does that mean da?” I paid attention to her as she talked and saw there was a gap on her bottom row of teeth. So that’s why she had a lisp.

Some things never changed about Claire. I sighed not knowing how to explain the expletive. “Uh…” I scratched the back of my head. “It means yer mama is mad at me. Ah dinna treat her right.” Claire had called me an arsehole more times than I could count, usually the word chauvinistic preceded it. “I dinna want ye to repeat that word even if yer mother said it.”

“Weel ye ken how to make it better. Ye gotta kiss her. That always makes her smile da.”

I wanted to smile at the innocence of her words. She lived in such a simple world where arguments were resolved through the exchanging of kisses. I hated that one day this girl would become disillusioned with the world. It wasn’t a fairytale by a long shot.

I patted her head. Her lips turned down as she batted away my hand to fix her hair. “Dinna do that, ah dinna like it.”

“Ah will remember that. Go and play in yer room,” she rolled her eyes at me and retreated to her room. I had no idea what I said to cause such a reaction in her. Children her age played with toys as far as I knew.

My eyes strayed to the door. It concealed Claire, but it also served as a barrier between us. On the other side was the wife of a man I wasn’t and if I crossed it, I was acknowledging that in some bizarre alternate universe that Jamie was me. The problem was I didn’t know how to be someone’s father or husband.

I contemplated my options for several more minutes. I could take the keys I saw in the bowl by the door and take my chances elsewhere. If I drove for a bit, it could help solve where exactly I was in Scotland. However, if I did that I would ruin this fake Jamie’s life. His wife wouldn’t forgive him. Even if it wasn’t reality, it didn’t sit well with me to destroy someone else’s life because of my own selfishness.

With a deep sigh, I decided not to knock but to open the door. There on the bed was Claire with puffy eyes, splotchy skin, and wet cheeks. It was never my intention to make her cry. I hated seeing any woman but especially this one cry. She cried the day we broke up too.

Her voice was tired and broken when she asked what it was I wanted.

I hadn’t exactly prepared an apology speech, and it sometime had passed since I delivered my last apology. “Ah wanted to check on ye.”

“Why? Ye made it perfectly clear to me how you feel about me and the life we’ve created.”

“Ah maybe overreacted a wee bit.”

I saw the fury spark to life in her eyes as she pushed herself into a sitting position. “You overreacted? Is that what we are calling it these days?” Though her voice was low and strangely controlled, there was an added layer of anger underneath. “If I recall correctly, you practically couldn’t get out of the house fast enough when I was offering myself to you. Then you accused me of infidelity and lying about the paternity of our children. I’m not sure what’s wrong with you today. You’re giving me whiplash with you’re ever changing emotions.”

She had a point. She had no clue what was happening inside of my head though. I was experiencing something that was unlike anything anyone could imagine actually happening to themselves. I had all of these expectations suddenly placed on me without proper context. I rubbed the back of my neck as we settled into an uncomfortable silence.

“Claire, list-“

She was off the bed and in my face within seconds. “You don’t get to come in here and demand I listen to you. I went to sleep last night, wrapped in my husband’s arms and then this morning, you acted as if this whole life was a mistake. Remember it was you who convinced me when I was unsure.” Her eyes pierced mine as if she were searching for something. Her lips turned down when she couldn’t find it and she turned her face away.

Her face fell and she went to the bathroom. I went to follow her, but she closed the door in my face.

“Weel that dinna go weel.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, two things.  
> 1\. I need some song recs as I want to make a Jamie and Claire fanvid. I've made some for other fandoms in the past, but I'm not sure which song to do for them.  
> 2\. The question of the day: What's your favorite era of music?  
> Mine is probably the 70s. Although, I can't get behind disco. Aside from that, the 70s had some of the best musical artists of all time.


	5. Just the Way You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is a parent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!! I'm back from my hiatus. I really needed that time to clear my head. Blank documents made me feel inadequate and anxious, and I wanted to cry every time I saw one. Thanks to my pre-readers for all the feedback.

I scrambled to the bathroom door the moment I heard the sounds of her retching. Had I caused that? Was I stressing her?

“Claire?” I knocked hesitantly on the door, hoping she would respond.

There was a groan on the other side. I tried the handle, but she had somehow managed to lock the door before her trip to the toilet. “Go away Jamie.”

My forehead fell against the door. Guilt rose up in me at the thought of hurting her. “Please,” my voice cracked at the end.  I had to assure myself she was fine.

Her footsteps were nearly silent as she approached the door and threw it open. Her face lacked color except for her nose, which was a bit runny. Her eyes were red, and I wanted to mention the vomit in her hair. However, her face stopped me from saying anything. “See I’m fine. Now leave me the fuck alone you absolute bastard.”

She shut the door in my face. I can’t say I didn’t somewhat deserve that given my treatment of her in the last few hours.

I hoped I wasn’t ruining another man’s marriage. It seemed up until I was transplanted into his body, he had more than a good marriage. “Fuck,” I muttered as I heard the vomiting pick up again.

It was best to leave her to herself. I recalled enough about Claire to know when she wanted time. She wasn’t someone who was easily confronted and she refused to bend to anyone. She stood up for herself time and again, and it surprising how quickly the memories came back to me.

I had pushed them away for so long because of how much they truly hurt.

Part of me still believed this was some dream I subconsciously created to cope with the loneliness I experienced at seeing everyone else enjoy the holiday. It had been a favorite of mine as a lad, and then became more special as I had intended to propose the following Hogmanay. It was the perfect amount of time between our completion of university and the start of our new lives.

Unforeseen events occurred, and I bitterly threw the box into the ocean. It wasn’t my best moment, but a part of me felt good at watching the black box sail in the air and then plop into the ocean.

My sister called me an eejit for throwing an expensive ring into the ocean. Yet there was no remorse to be had. My parents watched sadly as I threw myself into law school and ignored their messages to come home for a visit. I wanted to show Claire she had made a mistake when she ended things.

I knew though she wouldn’t have liked the person I became. Sometimes I barely liked me, but it was too late to go back. I was who I was, and she was where she was.

I closed the door to the bedroom, and stood their awkwardly unsure as to what to do next. Then I heard the voice of two tiny angels. Their laughter reminded me of tinkling bells, and I decided to see what they were doing.

At the very least it would provide a distraction from my current issues. The two of them were in Mairead’s room in front of a huge dollhouse I hadn’t noticed during my earlier investigation.

“I dinna want to be this one. Why can’t ye?” Lillia asked of her sister.

Mairead fixed her with a look of superiority. The confidence practically wafted off of her. “Am the oldest and they’re my dolls. I pick the roles, and ye have tae listen tae me.”

She was reminding me heavily of my sister, but there was a lot of Claire in that statement as well. “That isnae fair,” Lillia’s face was turning red and she planted her hands on her hips indignantly.

Her sister openly laughed at her. “Ye look ridiculous. Ye have no argument. Ah will have to deny yer case.”

I covered my mouth as I realized she was fancying herself a solicitor.

“Ye canna be the justice of the peace.”

Mairead turned those sharp eyes on her sister who fell back onto her bottom with a humph. “Any why nae? ‘Tis my room after all, and am older than ye. Ye’re just jealous because I told ye, ye’ve got no case.”

“Ye’re cheating, and am going to tell da.”

The dark haired lass laughed haughtily at her sister and returned her attentions to her dolls. “Go ahead, but da always says to have yer argument ready. Ye dinna make one based in fact.” I had to hand it to her, although I was slightly frightened at the girl’s ability. I feared for her teen years when she would be able to talk herself out of situations with practiced ease. “Yers was an opinion. As it is my room, ah have the final ruling. Besides da has adult stuff with mum and doesna need ye crying like a bairn. There’ll already be enough of that around here.”

“Am nae a wee bairn.”

Those dark eyes rolled sky high as she turned toward her sister. Her lack of patience and her annoyance were written all over her face. The insane part was how much she reminded me of well me. My fellow lawyers always said I wore the same sort of expression on my face when I was in court. They had even captured a photo of me wearing the same expression.

“Ah dinna call ye a wee bairn. Ye should stop with yer fibbing and exaggerating. I missed Fiona’s birthday because of ye. Ah still havena forgiven ye.”

Lillia stood up and I saw the tears from the door. “Ah dinna mean for ye tae get into trouble,” she sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

I winced at the germs so did Mairead. “Och use a tissue, and whether ye meant for me to get into trouble or nae, I still did.”

The tiny red head sighed and dropped her head, her shoulders sagging in what appeared to be disappointment. “Am sorry, ye’ve got tae believe me.”

“Weel Fiona still willna talk to me so until she does, I won’t forgive ye.”

Lillia flinched and fled, bumping into my knees. She toppled over and began to cry, huge crocodile tears streaming down her face as she worked herself up. Mairead seemed to ignore the commotion her sister was making as if it were normal and played with her dolls.

Seeing as how I wouldn’t receive help from Mairead, and Lillia wouldn’t stop crying I took matters into my own hands. I scooped the small girl into my arms and held her warm weight close. She had a fruity almost overwhelmingly sweet scent, and her little arms wrapped themselves around my neck.

Her tears soaked my sweater, but I strangely didn’t mind. “Mairead!” I snapped at the dark haired girl who continued to ignore what was happening.

“What?” She snapped, turning around with an annoyed glance. “I dinna make her cry. She did that all on her own.”

“Ye said some unkind things to yer sister. Do ye truly think she wanted ye to be unhappy?”

She appeared as if she wanted to say yes, but knew if she had, I would’ve gotten angry with her. “No,” she mumbled. Her eyes were lowered and her bottom lip puckered. “But ye always say whether or not someone’s actions were intentional, it doesna change the outcome. Another party can still be hurt.”

I have said that. She was right. I  had dealt with cases where the plaintiff was hurt by the unintentional actions of the defendant. While it was not purposeful, their actions had inadvertent repercussions, forever altering the life of another person.

“Ye’re right, I have said that. However, that is in court. This is yer sister.”

She wasn’t moved. “Yer friend Fion-“

“Weel she’s not my friend yet,” she emphasized. “But she was coming round, and she is the coolest person in year one. Everyone wants to be her friend, and she had a Christmas carnival for her birthday. She invited me and then Lilli got me in trouble. Then ye punished me unjustly, I might add.”

Lilli wailed harder against my shoulder. “I DINNA MEAN IT.” I rubbed her back gently with the hope that it would calm her. I remembered it helped Claire when she got herself worked up in the past. Perhaps it would work on her daughter.

Her sobs soon turned into soft, little hiccoughs as she burrowed her head deeper into my shoulder. “Do ye think having a friendship with a girl like this Fiona will benefit ye?”

“Weel aren’t connections important.”

“No’ at the cost of yer relationship with yer sister. Fiona doesna sound like a good sort if she was angry with ye because ye couldna attend some birthday party. What if it had been a family emergency? She doesna seem like the reliable sort, and I dinna want ye to have friends who willna be there for ye.”

She glanced down at the doll in her hands as her fingers brushed over the doll hair. She seemed to be working out some sort of puzzle in her head. “She’s no’ the nicest person, but everyone wants tae be her friend.”

“If everyone wanted to swim in the river would ye do it?”

Her face scrunched up adorably and her confusion was apparent. I couldn’t make out the green flakes in her eyes at this distance, but I could picture them there. “Of course no’, ye and mama said to not follow others. I dinna understand da.”

I released a calming breath as I entered the girl’s room. I sat on her bed and faced her. Lillia snuffled sleepily in my arms as I unconsciously continued to rub her back. “Weel just because everyone wants to be friends with her doesna make it right. What does she have to offer besides popularity? Is she the smartest in yer class? Is she kind?”

A divot formed between the fine brows of hers. Her nose wrinkled as she pondered my question. “I guess no’. She doesna share any of her snacks or her toys. I’m the smartest in the class. Why does everyone like her then?”

How did one explain superficiality to a child? “Ye ken what a famous person is, right?” She nodded as her head tilted sideways. She was skeptical. She had good reason to be. “Think about it like this, why do people like celebrities? There are a lot that dinna do anything. Yet people want their autographs and to be friends with them. They like the attention.”

“So Fiona is like a celebrity?”

“Aye in a way, she is popular with the kids in year one. They want tae be known for being friends with her. If she canna see what a wonderful, smart girl ye are on yer own, then ye dinna need her in yer life.”

It made me think about my real life. Mairead’s attitude reminded me of many of my own. I held a grudge against a woman all of this time; all she wanted to do was chase her dreams. I was too selfish and coveted all of her attention for myself.

“Now what do ye say to yer sister?”

Mairead’s face displayed her shame in how she behaved towards her younger sister. Her eyes were lowered and all I saw was thick lashes resting on her cheeks. Her head was bowed with her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

I gently shook Lilli and turned her to face her sister. “Lilli, yer sister has something tae say tae ye.” I gestured at the older girl who lifted her face. Her cheeks were still slightly rounded with youth, but I could see where one day, her face would heavily resemble that of her mother’s.

“Am sorry Lil, I do forgive ye. I kent ye dinna meant tae get me into any trouble, and I hope ye dinna stay mad at me. Ye can even be Cairistìona if ye want.” She held out the beloved doll to her sister.

Lilli smiled and shook her head. “No, it is yer doll. Da gave it tae ye special, and ah can play with a different one.”

She hopped off my lap to skip across the room to once again play with her sister.

Amazingly or miraculously even, I managed to broker peace between two young children without any previous experience. How was it possible I could talk to them so easily, but their mother stumped me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: What makes you feel insecure?  
> So I would have to say my appearance. It's funny (and I don't mean this to sound like bragging) people tell me I'm pretty or whatever, but I never feel that way. I just feel awkward and gawky. Although I did have this interesting interaction with a mom at the school I taught at, she literally stopped and turned back to tell me how pretty she thought I was.


	6. Just Like Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it possible? Have I actually posted? Well... it's not April Fool's so the update is real. I'm sorry that it took nearly 5 months. I hope you guys enjoy.   
> A massive thanks to my pre-readers. I'm not perfect, and while I mostly write coherent sentences, I do make mistakes.

After the girls settled down to play with Mairead’s dolls, I decided to leave them to their play. I couldn’t use them as a distraction to my problems with Claire. 

As I headed once again to the bedroom we shared, the door swung open and I was faced with a queasy looking Claire. I smiled down at her, but she returned it with an ice-cold glare. I supposed I deserved that warm reaction given my erratic behavior this morning. “Can you get out of my way, Jamie?” Given the circumstances, I understood why she was distant. 

I dug an entire trench between the two of us. While Claire was a generous person and in most instances too forgiving, there were moments such as these in our relationship where she held a grudge. It wasn’t necessarily purposeful… well, it was but only as a result of her hurt feelings. She rarely had a meltdown, but when she did it was explosive and usually lasted for a day or two. “I want tae apologize to ye.”

She was skeptical. That was fair even though it did hurt a bit. I had behaved like an arse all morning.

“I kent I havena been in the best spirits this morning.” She laughed. “Alright yes, I get yer point. I dinna mean tae be such an arsehole tae ye or the children.”

“Why should I forgive you? Your behavior was abhorrent. You basically called me a slag and accused me of trapping you into a marriage with children that aren’t your own. Wasn’t there something about being drugged in there?” I knew she was pissed. I did throw a lot of hurtful and unforgivable accusations her way this morning, but in my defense, it wasn’t as if I were the Jamie she shared her life with. 

She hadn’t moved from her position behind the doorway. The threshold was between us, and I sensed it might stay between us for the remainder of the day. 

I released a shaky breath. It had been ten long years since I found myself in a relationship with anyone. She was making me jump through all of the hoops to earn her forgiveness; then again I had done all the things she accused me of. “Ah was a bit out of my mind this morning.” 

An indignant scoff escaped her. “You couldn’t wait to get out of the house if you recall. I thought you had gone mad or had a concussion at the very least.”

“Ah dinna mean to worry ye, Claire. Ah can be a real eejit at times.”

“You don’t need to tell me that.” I wasn’t used to my opponent being equal to me. “So what was the problem? I’m sure you’ve got some sort of explanation for all the outrageous things you said this morning.”

In truth, I didn’t. I had the truth. I knew she wouldn’t believe that. I barely did. Claire was a woman of science and believed in things that generally could be explained with evidence to back up a hypothesis. While she was a Catholic, she rarely relied on her faith as an explanation for why things were the way they were. She needed more than the words in a book. 

If I told her what happened to me that I wasn’t from here but from somewhere else entirely, she would have me committed immediately. It sounded insane in my own head, and I couldn’t imagine saying the words out loud. 

I decided to go with a version of the truth. “I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of a life without ye or the bairns, and I was sae unhappy. I was a miserable man who loved nothing more than making those around me as miserable as I was.” The terrifying part was that was who I was or still am. It was confusing to put into context.  I was awful to my coworkers. I rubbed my success in their noses and looked down on them for their lack of ambition. It wasn’t that they lacked ambition, it was that they had other goals outside of their careers. My life was otherwise empty without my career, and if I had taken a closer look, I would’ve easily discovered the reason why. I was envious of my coworkers for having something meaningful in their lives. They could go home and lose themselves in their families, while I had nothing to take my mind off my work. 

Her face softened and she gazed at me sympathetically. She still hadn’t moved closer, but at least there wasn’t any anger left in her eyes. “Oh well, what a dream to have at the start of another year. I’m sure it was disorienting waking up.”

“It was mystifying at first as I couldn’t determine what was the dream and what was reality. I thought ye and the girls were my imagination playing a joke on me.” This was far better than my reality, but I knew it wouldn’t last. It was everything I didn’t know I wanted. 

I thought I was above a wife and children, and thought of families as a distraction from my goals. “Well since you’re feeling better, I’ve got to remind you, your sister and her family are still coming round for dinner. I need you to run to the supermarket for me. There were some things I forgot during my last trip. You know how it is.”

I didn’t. There was something there that had been talked around all morning. It was the reason for Claire’s strange behavior all morning. “Um sure, I can do that for ye.”

“Better get dressed then, I’m going to fix lunch for the monsters. Have they been behaving?”

“There was a bit of a scuffle and some crying, but ah fixed it.”

There was the smile I had been waiting for since I first laid eyes on her this morning. It was wide and blinding, displaying her perfect teeth. She was so beautiful. She internally glowed as she stepped forward and claimed my mouth. My eyes popped open in familiar wonder as I pressed my mouth harder. 

It was natural. Her lips were warm, soft, and pliant. Her tongue poked out to trace my lips and just as my own was about to come out to play, she pulled back slightly out of breath with a brazen look in her eyes. “Keep that up Mr. Fraser, and you won’t be leaving the house at all.”

I grinned at her. My arm snaked around to palm her arse. The last time I saw her, she still had the body of a girl. Motherhood had filled her out and given her curves in all the right places. I never understood women’s fascination with a stick thin appearance. She looked better at whatever age she was now than when she was a twenty-year-old girl still coming into her body. 

“We will finish this later. Ah have to shower after this morning and then run to the grocery store.” She nodded, somewhat reluctant to allow me to leave after we resolved our dispute. There was another emotion in her eyes, but I couldn’t quite read what it was. 

She pecked my lips once more before slipping out of my grasp to head downstairs to prepare lunch. The natives were bound to get restless, especially after the almost stramash I witnessed earlier. 

I had to rifle through several drawers before finally finding my clothes. Given the weather outside, I figured a simple navy sweater and a pair of jeans would suffice. It was only a grocery run and dinner with my sister tonight. 

“What the hell?” Stepping in front of the mirror was the first time I had gotten to see my appearance. I had taken off my shirt back in the bedroom and I finally noticed tiny scars littering my arms. There was also a scar along my abdomen as if I had had surgery in the past. What happened to this Jamie? Overall, his body felt as if it were in good shape. 

There was also a scar that ran down my leg. This guy had clearly been in some kind of accident or another if his body was anything to go by. The scars were old and faded, so I knew it had definitely been a few years since it happened. 

I made a mental note to try and figure out later what caused these injuries. It was easy to figure out which products were mine. I showered quickly and performed a fast shave afterward. From the photos around the house, I knew he kept his appearance clean. 

As I exited the bathroom, I could hear the three of them downstairs. In the kitchen, Mairead and Lilli sat at the island eating sandwiches with some crisps. “Da, there ye are. Can ah go tae the store with ye?” Mairead stared up at me with those hazel eyes of hers. 

“Me too daddy, me too.” 

Well, I couldn’t say no. “Weel,” I shared a brief look with Claire who nodded her assent. “I suppose ye can. Ah have tae get my keys and phone, and then the two of ye can meet me in the car.” 

I had to determine our location using my phone to figure out where the nearest store was. I knew I was somewhere in the Highlands, but that was like a needle in a haystack. There were several towns and very few actual cities. It was a sparsely populated area in part due to geography. 

I found my phone in what was apparently my office space. My password was the same, which was a huge relief. As I unlocked it, I noticed my lock and home screen were pictures of my family. One of the pictures was of us at a beach. It was definitely not a beach that could be found in the British Isles. We had massive grins on our faces and all of us including myself and Lilli had some color from our time out in the sun. 

The other picture appeared to be the first day of school for them. Mairead wore her uniform proudly with her hair in pigtails and bows adorning each one. Lillia wore her own uniform with a single braid and a ribbon tied at the end. She didn’t appear as happy as her sister. However, they were precious and adorable. They reminded me of the best part of Claire and myself. I wanted them to be mine even if I barely knew them. I envied this Jamie for what he had. 

The map app was already open, and I noticed we were living in Inverness. The River Ness and Ness Islands were a street over. I had visited them in my youth, but this was a part of the city I was unfamiliar with. 

I easily figured out where the nearest supermarket was. Although it was less than a mile away, it was still almost a twenty-minute drive. 

My phone dinged when I arrived at the car with a list of shopping items from Claire. 

The girls came out bundled in their puffy coats with hats on their heads. In Lilli’s case, it appeared as if she were waddling as she made her way down the drive. They opened the doors and settled themselves into their booster seats. At least it wasn’t car seats as I had no clue how to buckle children into them. 

“Are ye ready?” I wanted to ascertain they were properly buckled into their seats before pulling out of the driveway.

“Aye da, let’s go.”

The car started with a push of a button. It had been some time since I had been behind the wheel of any car as I usually preferred hiring a car anywhere I traveled. It provided me additional time to work if I wasn’t focused on driving. Luckily, it wasn’t a manual car as I hadn’t driven one of those since I was a teenager. 

I tried not to stare too much at the unfamiliar sights on our trip. “Da, when did ye meet mama?” I almost slammed on the brakes at the question. It was unexpected. “Did ye love her when ye first  ”

“Actually, we hated each other when we first met. Yer mam and ah lived in neighboring flats, and when we first met, it was because she was angry at my flatmates and ah. We enjoyed throwing an occasional wee party.” By wee, I meant absolutely massive with at least thirty people attending. The music was loud and the alcohol was everywhere. “Yer mam was studying, but couldna focus because of the music. She came over to tell us to turn it down.” There was less telling and more yelling and cursing involved with her visit. “We dinna as it was a party, and she called the police on us.” We knew it was her as none of our other neighbors ever complained about how loud our parties were. 

“How did ye get along then if ye hated each other?” 

Claire was locked out of her flat one night and her flatmates were out at the time with no intention of returning to assist her. It was the middle of winter with low temperatures and the threat of rain, and I felt sorry for her as she stood outside. 

_ “Are ye okay? Do ye need any help?” _

_ She glanced up at me with a scowl on her face when she recognized who I was. “Not from you.” She turned her back to me and attempted to ring one of her flatmates.  _

_ I decided to give her what she wanted as she had no intention of accepting any sort of assistance from me. “Bitch,” I muttered under my breath as I slid my key into the lock.  _

_ Claire whirled around as I hadn’t said it as quietly as I intended. “What did you call me?” _

_ Shock crossed my face as it hit me she heard what I said. Shame flooded me as my mother would have me strung up by my bollocks if she heard what I’d called a girl I didn’t even know. She raised me to respect women and had gotten on me a time or two after calling my sister some nasty names when we were younger, not that she hadn’t chastised my sister for insults as well. She believed in fairness. She told us she refused to raise arseholes.  _

_ “I’m sorry. I dinna mean that. It was unfair of me to call ye that.” _

_ Her face softened, but anger brewed in her eyes. “I suppose I can accept the apology.” _

_ There she went again almost making me wish I hadn’t offered an apology. She could be civil in return except it seemed a foreign concept to her. “Look I dinna intend to offend ye, but ye could work on how to accept an apology as well. I could’ve ignored ye and gone inside instead of apologizing.” _

_ She deflated, losing some of her resolve to remain pissed at me. “You’re right. I was being a bitch. You were trying to be nice and I basically told you to piss off.”  _

_ I was mildly surprised she knew how to be cordial. I had only ever been in the direct path of her ire or irritation. If she saw any of us walking up at the same time as her, there was some biting comment or roll of her eyes involved. I didn’t think she was a particularly agreeable woman and it severely took away from her attractiveness.  _

_ “So do ye need any help?” _

_ I watched as she mentally debated my offer before resigning herself to the fact that she had nowhere else to go. “Yes, I left my keys at work and I only have enough money for the rest of the week and can’t afford another trip back. My friends all went out for the night and aren’t willing to cancel their plans.” Her eyes lowered and I suspected she was upset about this. I would be too. Her friends obviously sucked. _

_ I bit my lip. There was only one option, but I didn’t know how she would react. “Would ye like to come in until one of your friends comes home? I promise none of us bite.”  _

_ Her cheeks flushed, but I think we both pretended it was the effect of the cold air. “Are you sure they won’t mind?” She was worried as we had made it known our dislike for her in return.  _

_ “We can go tae my room. My roommate moved out last week and we haven’t decided if we are going to get another or continue to make up the difference between us. Splitting the rent seven different ways is  harder than eight, but we are making it work. I pay a little more than the rest of them.”  _

_ She giggled and I realized I was rambling. I never rambled. I prided myself on being concise and coherent. “I should shut up.” _

_ “No, it’s alright, I like this side of you.” _

_ “As opposed to the arse who walked past ye when ye slipped on ice?” _

_ “I was awful to you. I did call the police. How about we call it even and I accept your offer to come over?” _

_ We shook on it. I led her inside and felt her roaming eyes behind me. “It definitely looks like men live here.” _

_ Our flat was sparsely decorated as none of us cared much for decorations or pictures. We had a giant television and a sofa. The kitchen was a wreck, so I didn’t bother giving her a tour. I didn’t need her to see our disgusting habits.  _

_ “Weel this is my room,” I ruffled my hair as she walked past me.  _

_ There were a few pictures of my family around the room. She picked up a frame off my dresser. “Your family?” _

_ I knew what picture it was before she said anything. It was taken the day our family home was finally complete. My parents purchased the land five years before the picture, but it took time to save up to build our family home. The rest of the farm came later until we had a barn, a shed, and a good fence lining the property. “Aye, I was about six. That’s my sister Jenny and our brother Willie. He’s in America now.”  _

_ We rarely saw Willie after he decided to study for his degree abroad. He met a girl, and decided not to come back. “Jenny went to school in Edinburgh and wants to take over the family farm. She’s engaged to a friend of mine, Ian. Those are my parents, Brian and Ellen.” _

_ “Your family is lovely. You look a lot like your mother.” Everyone commented on our similar appearances when I was growing up. I was mortified that people thought I looked like a girl. Now, I could appreciate the compliments for what they were.  _

_ “Do ye have siblings?” _

_ She shook her head. “I’m an only child. My parents couldn’t have more kids. I always wanted a brother or sister.” She sounded wistful.  _

_ “Cousins?” I was close with a few of my cousins. We practically grew up as siblings.  _

_ “No… well yes, but they live in France and Australia, so it wasn’t really an option. My mum’s brother moved to Australia for his job when I was a toddler, and we haven’t really seen him since then. All of my cousins in France are second cousins, and didn’t really like me as I was English. We didn’t see a lot of each other, and I was always this outsider.”  _

_ Her childhood sounded lonely. I had loads of cousins, aunts,  and uncles to dote on me, and we were all Scottish. Our family celebrations usually were rowdy and if the men got drunk enough, there was a stramash of some sort. The kids cheered loudly, rooting for whoever they perceived to have the best chance at winning.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ She tilted her head and stared at me. “Why?” _

_ “I dinna ken really.” _

_ “What does ken mean?” _

_ “Ah right, it means know. I guess I’m sorry ye never really had anyone growing up.” It was the exact opposite of my own childhood. There were always people around, whether I wanted them there or not. _

_ She shrugged and set the frame down. She continued to look over the rest of my pictures, making little humming noises as she went. She was adorable, not that I would tell her that. We hardly knew each other and only ten minutes previously considered one another the enemy.  _

_ “You seem close.” _

_ There it was again. “Do ye no’ have anyone in yer life?” _

_ Claire didn’t look at me. That answered my question. “What about yer flatmates?” _

_ “They’re okay and all, but we roomed together since we are all on the rowing team. I rowed with some of them in college. It’s really the only reason we are living together.” _

_ I kept my face neutral as I sensed she wasn’t the type who wanted anyone’s sympathy if her behavior outside was any indication. “So ye row?” I played field hockey for most of my schooling.  _

_ Her face brightened immediately. “Oh yes, I got into it mostly to get my parents off my back about spending time with other people my age. I got really into it. It keeps me fit. Do you play any sports?” Her eyes lowered to where my jeans clung to my calves and then lingered on my biceps.  _

_ “I played field hockey starting at age eleven.” _

_ “It shows.” She blushed and looked away. “Sorry.” _

_ We were both awkward and nervous as we tried to figure out how to make conversation. It hadn’t ever been this bad for me. I was never suave or overly confident when talking to a girl, but this was practically torture.  _

_ “Let’s sit, I think we are both making this worse.” _

_ She sat at my desk, which was the farthest she could get from me. It bothered me that she wanted so much distance between us. We were strangers, but I wondered if there was another reason. “So what are you studying?” _

_ “Law, I want to be a lawyer. I havena really decided what kind of law.”  _

_ While I loved my parents and our family farm, I knew at a young age, it simply wasn’t for me. The labor was rewarding and I loved our horses, however, I never had the same satisfaction my father did. It didn’t fill my cup until it was spilling over. My dad was disappointed, particularly after my brother revealed he wasn’t coming back. He wanted to pass it on to his sons, but he realized it wasn’t the path for either of us. We desired to make our own names in the world. Jenny was the one who loved it there the most, although I wasn’t far behind. It was wonderful to come back after spending all of term in the city. The air was fresher, everything was so green and alive, and it was home.  _

_ She hummed thoughtfully. “What attracted you to law?” _

_ “I got into some trouble when I was a lad. It was quite serious, but my lawyer was amazing. I listened to everything she said about my case and the process about going before a judge, and it was fascinating. She knew so much, and had alternative plans in case our first one didn’t work.” It was then I noticed she was the one asking all of the questions. I was offering up my life story, but she hardly offered me anything in return. “What are you studying?” _

_ “Medicine.”  _

_ I frowned. She was making this difficult. “Any reason?” I knew not everyone had a story like myself. Some people chose their particular field as they wanted to make money, others because they simply had an interest in it, and then there were those that were inspired. They took a class and realized their calling.  _

_ “I don’t know. I always wanted to be a doctor. My mum is a nurse, and I spent a lot of time at the hospital when I was a child. I shadowed doctors and watched them. It’s incredible what they can do. I think I was five when I told my mum I was going to be a surgeon.” It was the most she said about herself that revealed something about her. I felt I was seeing her for the first time since the incident with the party. “I pretended a lot as a kid that I was a doctor saving people. I wanted a doctor kit for Christmas, and then cried because it wasn’t a real stethoscope.”  _

_ I saw her, not the girl she pretended to be. This Claire was warm, awkward, and not a nightmare. I felt bad for all the awful things we said about her after that night. She didn’t deserve any of that.  _

_ “Did ye ever get that real stethoscope?” _

_ She nodded eagerly. “Oh, yes,” she answered, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. It hit me I had never noticed how beautiful she was. I normally barely glanced her way when we passed one another. I ignored her presence, although she did the same in return. “My parents felt awful, not realizing I meant I wanted a real stethoscope. However, they didn’t feel I was responsible then to take care of one. It wasn’t until I turned ten that I opened it. My parents had it engraved with ‘we believe in your dreams, love m & d’. I cried, obviously. I thought for a long time that they thought it was another whim until they gave that to me.” _

_ The happiness on her face and in those golden orbs of hers melted away her earlier anger and sadness. She was like a flower blooming in spring as she shared part of her story.  _

_ “Weel if I ever need surgery, I know who to visit.”  _

_ She ducked her head, shaking it in the process as she tried not to laugh. “You know Jamie, you’re not as bad as I originally thought.” _

_ “Same to ye, Claire.” _

_ One of her flatmates returned early as she felt horrible about blowing Claire off. “Thanks again, it could’ve been a lot worse if it had been anyone else.” She offered out her hand for me to shake, but my thoughts kept drifting to how soft her lips looked. _

_ I decided I wouldn’t do anything to tarnish my invitation into her good graces. An unwelcome kiss would make her hate me all over again. “‘Tis nothing. If ye ever need any assistance, ye ken where I live.” She grinned at me and left.  _

“Did ye kiss?”

I chuckled at her disappointment that we only talked during our first real conversation. “Nae, no’ until after our first date. Ah wanted tae ken she liked me in return. Besides, it would’ve been taking advantage of the situation as she dinna have anywhere to go.”

Mairead sighed as I pulled into the car park. “They kiss in fairytales,” she grumbled. 

“Fairytales are written that way, but in real life, people don’t just fall in love instantly.”

She rolled her eyes as I helped her sister out of the car. “But da, Eric in The Little Mermaid fell in love with Ariel and she dinna even talk.”

Explaining the complexities of relationships to a six-year-old was not in my plan for the day. I should’ve been on a plane, preparing for my next case, yet here I was running errands for a woman I hadn’t seen in a decade with children I hadn’t met until today. The problem was I didn’t mind either. 

I didn’t want this dream to end, but George made it clear that this wasn’t permanent. I would have to go back eventually. 

Mairead turned to look back at me as she had taken the lead. “Hey, wait for me, ah dinna want ye crossing the car park by yerself.” I called out to her. Her shoulders slumped, but she waited obediently for Lillia and I to catch up. 

This was where I wanted to be. The problem was I knew it wasn't mine to keep. I hadn't done anything to earn it, and my time here was taking away from the man who had earned it. I wanted to be selfish. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your plans for the summer aside from work? Any vacations?   
> I'm going to visit some family in Indiana over the fourth, and then my little cousin is coming back with my family for two weeks. I'm excited since we've always visited her. She asked the funniest question. She asked a few months ago if "we speak English in my state". I couldn't stop laughing.   
> Anyway, I won't be posting for a few weeks.


End file.
